I Made It.

The house passed inspection so it is all final.  I signed the final papers and I am officially not a homeowner any longer.  Funny, thinking that the opposite is supposed to bring joy.  Maybe that is why I don’t feel too joyful over the situation yet.  In fact I was able to cry for about five minutes straight tonight.  Really it would be better described as sobbing or whaling.   It actually felt pretty good to release some of this anxiety.

For the record, I’m back.  Not quite sure where I’m going, but I can definitely feel my feet on the ground again.   I can’t remember the  last time I felt in control of my life.  Well, that may have been never.

I do feel somewhat of a fresh starts/new beginnings attitude.  I don’t know exactly what that means, but I’m going to ride it for a moment and see where it takes me.

One More Day

The funny thing about those hard moments in life that are combined with physical exertion, by the end of the day you are just too darn tired to be sad.

That about sums up the kind of day I had today.

Right now, every single one of my belongings. (No matter how small or big.) Are in one of three places.

1. On the front curb at the house we just moved from waiting for the garbage man.
2. In a storage unit.
3. Or finally, if those belongings ever want to be seen by me again, they are in our townhouse.

Today was rough!

I think about him leaving and how our house was so empty after he was gone. How violated I felt to watch 12 years of building something together ripped apart. Only after today I realize how cheated I was, not because he took so much that was ours, but because he left me sitting here cleaning up the mess.

That is what I did today. I cleaned up 12 years of mess.

The house had to been completely cleaned of EVERYTHING in order for me to turn the keys over tomorrow. There will be an inspection and if he gives his thumbs up he will hand me a check to help The Girl and I reestablish ourselves. The check is in exchange for them not having to clean up after me or send me through the eviction process.

After tomorrow it will all be over and it will be the start of everything new. New dreams. Less drama. More sleep.

It has been a hard year.

Thank You For Being Patient

My friends, what is my rule of thumb?  The rule that I constantly whisper into your ear about my posts?  When they are few and far between, sadly, that means I’m struggling with my day-to-day life.  Unfortunately this time around is a bit different since I am fully medicated.  So I’m not sure what to do about it and if just letting things settle down a bit, I might just bounce back on my own.

Tomorrow is the day that I turn my keys into the broker.  As I constantly type sentences and then delete them only to type and delete again and again, it is clear that I have no idea how to express my feelings on the matter.  I feel sadness and anxiety with a dash of “thank God it is over”.  Perhaps this is truly the reason why I’m not feeling so well these days.  The weight of the house constantly looming over me, the feeling of failure when it comes to how the situation ended up.  I’m sure that isn’t helping at all.

I feel optimistic though.  I’ve got some plans that I am scheming in my little head.  I’ve got some ambition for the first time in a long time.  I feel some hope in other areas.  Thanks to all the walking I do during the day, my pants are fitting really nice, so that doesn’t hurt ones self-esteem either.  Overall I’m sure I’m going to be okay.  Just getting to that place is hard.  I hurt so bad inside and that pain sometimes makes bad decisions and then I have big messes to clean up because of it. 

I wish I could write more.  I wish that I knew just what to say that would help you understand where I am right now, but right now, I think this is the best I can do.

I’m Still Here

A lot of things have happened since the last time I wrote a post.  The Girl loves her summer program, they keep her so busy that she comes home exhausted at night, wanting nothing more than a little food and some sleep.  The job is going really well.  I love it more and more everyday.  The move has also happened and we are settling down some, most of the boxes have been unpacked.  Our old house still needs some TLC and the clock is running because I have a date to turn the keys over in the next two weeks. 

That is all I have time to write about now.  I’ve got so much to work on here at my desk I can’t get into all the things I want too.  For now, just look at this beautiful picture of my girl that was taken on her birthday last Sunday.

Tugging At My Heart

Since infancy the Girl has been babysat by the same family (minus the two months at the daycare center that I hated).  On vacations and days away from school she continued to go back to this same place.

She also spent last summer there and after I committed her to a whole summer, I realized that she had outgrown the place for extended care.  One day here-and-there was fine, but anything more than a week and she was crawling the walls since the majority of children being watched were much younger than her.

This year I opted for a summer daycare program where she will be traveling two days a week and will be constantly surrounded by kids her own age. 

Today was her first day. 

I think she did good.  She was pretty anxious, but sucked it up good.  I signed her in and a nice lady showed us her locker where she proudly found her name.  When she got me semi-alone she whispered in my ear, “Please do not leave me here Mom!” 

It broke my heart knowing that she felt this way, but I know that she is going to have so much fun and meet so many new people and because of that I was able to lean down, kiss her on the cheek, give her a big hug, turn my back and walk out.